Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Having children guru style.

Having children is a "double edged sword." I love them and fear them at once. They, as my worthiness and life's work, no longer lie within my control. It makes me crazy. Those baby years full of love and exhaustion wane and as the sweetness and cuddles move to gumpy pimples and driving, food and drug experimentation, and angst about life, I sit back and tremble for their safety and joys, acceptances and failures. I hate it. Give me freedom, an intervention to help me stop worrying because they still watch me and learn how to cope. And if I am stressed they follow. What a job I took on when I had these babes, wanting each and everyone of them so much and loving them more than I love myself. So, how do I stay well with these thoughts flowing through my little, but compulsive brain? I knit, write, work, walk and continue to wonder.

New Years is here bringing an opportunity to change. I resolve to be better step by step. I hope for more money, more fun, world peace, more joy, excellent health, better weather, cleaner air. You see where I am going. I have very high expectations for me, the world and consequently for the children I love. "Letting go" guru style seems to be key and perhaps this is the resolution I am looking for. Activating that part of my brain through meditation may save me, my kids and my world. Here I have the control I seek and it only entails sitting quietly and resting. Why is this so hard to do? It seems the simpliest of tasks.

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